Detoxification Day 3 (9th Nov 2011)

I had morning classes today. I was scared of the breaks when everyone goes to 3^rd gate. Today before anyone asked me, I deliberately bought myself a coffee and took exactly 15 minutes to finish it. Now comes the second problem, ‘Free Periods’. Before any tempting thoughts crossed my mind I buried myself in a ‘Over Drive’ mag (the only thing that can keep me off from anything). And I got so engrossed I hardly noticed when the free period got over. Even after when classes got over, I had no intensions of going to 3^rd gate even to test myself. From yesterdays’ experience I knew better. For the rest of the day it was easy. Only at night after dinner I had this urge for a cigarette, but I got it under control. One successful day without cigarettes. . :D

Detoxification Day 2 (8th Nov 2011)

Today is the day that I can test my will power. With that very thought I left for class early in the morning. Everything is going perfectly normal. However I didn’t dare going to 3^rd gate. I didn’t want to spoil the flow. I came back to room around 11. Later someone lit a cigarette in the room but I was normal, however I did feel the urge to have a drag but I overcame it. After lunch I had to go to 3^rd gate to get my Xeroxes. At first I had this crazy urge to go and buy a cigarette but I resisted. By 5pm I made several rounds to 3^rd gate for Xerox or food, each time my urge getting lesser and lesser. After Metabolic class at 6; I was pretty confident about myself and was proud of myself. I congratulated myself for the success of my theory. I met Jain and he asked me to come to 3^rd gate, I readily agreed (super confident). When Jain asked me to buy a cigarette; instead of giving the money, I went ahead to buy it myself from him. I was super duper confident that I won’t smoke. [RULE #1 Never, NEVER over experiment with your will power however super confident you are.] As anna handed me the cigarette, the way it felt between my fingers, all the smokes lingering through my nostrils from the nearby already lit cigarettes, my confidence and everything vanished. I felt my yesterday night’s craziness kicking in. My mind making up all sort of sacrifices for later. I handed the cigarette to Jain, making every possible effort to cage the urge inside. I knew I landed myself in a trap and I got trapped for good. I shouldn’t have come to 3^rd gate in the first place. Still trying to fight back, I watched Jain take in a drag; he released the first puff of smoke in a long stream. I couldn’t hold it any longer. Before I could do anymore holding back, I went and bought one Ultra Mild. That was it, I knew I had to let go. And I let myself free. I lit the cigarette and it was heaven. The first two drags were just heaven. Now after a few drags everything came to normal, it was just like any other day. Now as my craziness died down, my guilty feeling started to kick in. I was really ashamed and angry on myself. But no gains crying over spilt milk. On the better side at least I am happy with myself for the effort I put. Well this is definitely a start. At night I had no trouble declining the offers (may be this incident made me a little stronger, I hope). I gave the same excuse, ‘cold and nose block’. :P 

Detoxification Day 1 ( 7th November 2011)

This time its serious. I seriously want to cut off smoking. At least I want to test myself how long i can stay out of it. I smoked a Classic in the morning before going to bed ( the last smoke ). I promised myself i won't smoke until and unless i am drunk, at home during vacations, out in a trip. With that in mind i dozed off not realizing what i was stepping into. This will be a torture; i know.

Woke up in the afternoon, had lunch; determination still fresh. I didn’t go out of the room at all, no mood of testing my will power. At around 1am P lit a Marlboro. As the smell entered my nose my nerves went blank, the only thing that was in my mind was that I want at least one drag for which I was ready to have two smoke free sessions during any parties involved with alcohol. I tried to concentrate on the movie I was watching, secretly praying that A would finish off the cigarette without asking me. The smell was so mesmerizing that it was impossible for me to resist. I just wished I would disappear from here. The worst happened when P offered me a drag. My inside me thought of dozen of sacrifices that I would happily have just to get these 3 drags now. All I need to say is a ‘NO’. I realized how difficult it was. I don’t know how I did it but I said, “Don’t feel like smoking now, my nose is blocked.” After this I got considerably relaxed. I felt myself calming down, my inside craziness dying; that too when the cigarette is still not finished.  After an hour or so, Prashant lit one more cigarette. But this time it was different, there was no craziness growing inside me. I gave the same excuse this time also. Its getting easier I guess. That’s it, all you need to do is to resist yourself from the first cigarette. Tomorrow I will get to know if my theory is correct. If my theory is correct, I would name it ‘Theory of 1^st sutta’.