Detoxification Day 2 (8th Nov 2011)

Today is the day that I can test my will power. With that very thought I left for class early in the morning. Everything is going perfectly normal. However I didn’t dare going to 3^rd gate. I didn’t want to spoil the flow. I came back to room around 11. Later someone lit a cigarette in the room but I was normal, however I did feel the urge to have a drag but I overcame it. After lunch I had to go to 3^rd gate to get my Xeroxes. At first I had this crazy urge to go and buy a cigarette but I resisted. By 5pm I made several rounds to 3^rd gate for Xerox or food, each time my urge getting lesser and lesser. After Metabolic class at 6; I was pretty confident about myself and was proud of myself. I congratulated myself for the success of my theory. I met Jain and he asked me to come to 3^rd gate, I readily agreed (super confident). When Jain asked me to buy a cigarette; instead of giving the money, I went ahead to buy it myself from him. I was super duper confident that I won’t smoke. [RULE #1 Never, NEVER over experiment with your will power however super confident you are.] As anna handed me the cigarette, the way it felt between my fingers, all the smokes lingering through my nostrils from the nearby already lit cigarettes, my confidence and everything vanished. I felt my yesterday night’s craziness kicking in. My mind making up all sort of sacrifices for later. I handed the cigarette to Jain, making every possible effort to cage the urge inside. I knew I landed myself in a trap and I got trapped for good. I shouldn’t have come to 3^rd gate in the first place. Still trying to fight back, I watched Jain take in a drag; he released the first puff of smoke in a long stream. I couldn’t hold it any longer. Before I could do anymore holding back, I went and bought one Ultra Mild. That was it, I knew I had to let go. And I let myself free. I lit the cigarette and it was heaven. The first two drags were just heaven. Now after a few drags everything came to normal, it was just like any other day. Now as my craziness died down, my guilty feeling started to kick in. I was really ashamed and angry on myself. But no gains crying over spilt milk. On the better side at least I am happy with myself for the effort I put. Well this is definitely a start. At night I had no trouble declining the offers (may be this incident made me a little stronger, I hope). I gave the same excuse, ‘cold and nose block’. :P