Detoxification Day 3 (9th Nov 2011)

I had morning classes today. I was scared of the breaks when everyone goes to 3^rd gate. Today before anyone asked me, I deliberately bought myself a coffee and took exactly 15 minutes to finish it. Now comes the second problem, ‘Free Periods’. Before any tempting thoughts crossed my mind I buried myself in a ‘Over Drive’ mag (the only thing that can keep me off from anything). And I got so engrossed I hardly noticed when the free period got over. Even after when classes got over, I had no intensions of going to 3^rd gate even to test myself. From yesterdays’ experience I knew better. For the rest of the day it was easy. Only at night after dinner I had this urge for a cigarette, but I got it under control. One successful day without cigarettes. . :D

Detoxification Day 2 (8th Nov 2011)

Today is the day that I can test my will power. With that very thought I left for class early in the morning. Everything is going perfectly normal. However I didn’t dare going to 3^rd gate. I didn’t want to spoil the flow. I came back to room around 11. Later someone lit a cigarette in the room but I was normal, however I did feel the urge to have a drag but I overcame it. After lunch I had to go to 3^rd gate to get my Xeroxes. At first I had this crazy urge to go and buy a cigarette but I resisted. By 5pm I made several rounds to 3^rd gate for Xerox or food, each time my urge getting lesser and lesser. After Metabolic class at 6; I was pretty confident about myself and was proud of myself. I congratulated myself for the success of my theory. I met Jain and he asked me to come to 3^rd gate, I readily agreed (super confident). When Jain asked me to buy a cigarette; instead of giving the money, I went ahead to buy it myself from him. I was super duper confident that I won’t smoke. [RULE #1 Never, NEVER over experiment with your will power however super confident you are.] As anna handed me the cigarette, the way it felt between my fingers, all the smokes lingering through my nostrils from the nearby already lit cigarettes, my confidence and everything vanished. I felt my yesterday night’s craziness kicking in. My mind making up all sort of sacrifices for later. I handed the cigarette to Jain, making every possible effort to cage the urge inside. I knew I landed myself in a trap and I got trapped for good. I shouldn’t have come to 3^rd gate in the first place. Still trying to fight back, I watched Jain take in a drag; he released the first puff of smoke in a long stream. I couldn’t hold it any longer. Before I could do anymore holding back, I went and bought one Ultra Mild. That was it, I knew I had to let go. And I let myself free. I lit the cigarette and it was heaven. The first two drags were just heaven. Now after a few drags everything came to normal, it was just like any other day. Now as my craziness died down, my guilty feeling started to kick in. I was really ashamed and angry on myself. But no gains crying over spilt milk. On the better side at least I am happy with myself for the effort I put. Well this is definitely a start. At night I had no trouble declining the offers (may be this incident made me a little stronger, I hope). I gave the same excuse, ‘cold and nose block’. :P 

Detoxification Day 1 ( 7th November 2011)

This time its serious. I seriously want to cut off smoking. At least I want to test myself how long i can stay out of it. I smoked a Classic in the morning before going to bed ( the last smoke ). I promised myself i won't smoke until and unless i am drunk, at home during vacations, out in a trip. With that in mind i dozed off not realizing what i was stepping into. This will be a torture; i know.

Woke up in the afternoon, had lunch; determination still fresh. I didn’t go out of the room at all, no mood of testing my will power. At around 1am P lit a Marlboro. As the smell entered my nose my nerves went blank, the only thing that was in my mind was that I want at least one drag for which I was ready to have two smoke free sessions during any parties involved with alcohol. I tried to concentrate on the movie I was watching, secretly praying that A would finish off the cigarette without asking me. The smell was so mesmerizing that it was impossible for me to resist. I just wished I would disappear from here. The worst happened when P offered me a drag. My inside me thought of dozen of sacrifices that I would happily have just to get these 3 drags now. All I need to say is a ‘NO’. I realized how difficult it was. I don’t know how I did it but I said, “Don’t feel like smoking now, my nose is blocked.” After this I got considerably relaxed. I felt myself calming down, my inside craziness dying; that too when the cigarette is still not finished.  After an hour or so, Prashant lit one more cigarette. But this time it was different, there was no craziness growing inside me. I gave the same excuse this time also. Its getting easier I guess. That’s it, all you need to do is to resist yourself from the first cigarette. Tomorrow I will get to know if my theory is correct. If my theory is correct, I would name it ‘Theory of 1^st sutta’. 

The End of 'a' Me

Dear Ish,
i don't knw why u r like this.... but we used to be b good frenz once and i seriously miss those days. I don't know what happened to you or if someone feeded ur ears wid rumors or whatever. I atleast deserve to know why i m being treated like this..
I supported you through a rough patch of ur life if u remember, and you yourself know it how it ws during those days. I agree i ws immature and stupid but i don't think i deserve this punishment.
I request you please give one reason or mistake of mine that i can hold on to and of u ignoring me like this....
You know for 2 years i tried to figure out what went wrong or where i committed a mistake. But i couldn't find anything worth this punishment towards me.
You were like a guidance to me. I was in 9th. It was you who showed me the way of love and the pains it brings with it. It was in your life i first saw what being in love is... All this made me fall in love wid you. And you so patiently tried to reasoned with me that we are not the right pair for each other. I didn't understand it then itself, but i do now.I realize how stupid i was and the trouble i caused you.
You were my first best fren i ever had. Back then i always thought that through out my life someday if the whole world is against me, there will be one person who will always support me; U. I started opening up my life in front of you. I used to tell u everything that happens to me. That much i trusted you. I used to think no one in this whole world does have such a true fren that i possessed. I was so happy. In you i first saw what frenship actually means. U were like a idol to me. But you proved me wrong. You were just like everyone. There is nothing special. I was blind i guess that i trusted you so much. True frenz never abandon each other. I should have known there is no exceptions in this world. Everyone is fucking same. And I was so fucking stupid that i couldn't see the big picture. You just left me like that without any note or explanation. I was lost back then. Without you i couldn't figure out anything. Iwas totally shattered. And there was no one to console me or help me. I was so fucking helpless and i was so alone back then.
I don't know why i am telling you this, you will anyway ignore this message and most probably won't read it.
If any of the old bit of u that i knew is left in there then u would understand what i went through with no one to support me.
I need to thank you for showing me what friendship is and its true meaning.... And really thanks for making me believe that i had the most special fren in the whole world.


P.S. - I have moved on... So don't pity me, don't need ur sympathy.



...

I have always believed that if u love a girl in exponential terms to infinity, she starts falling in love with you even if she hates you.... And I am not letting anyone shatter this belief in me. I am going to shower so much love onto you that you will drown in it. I will stand by you forever either till the world ends or me, even if the whole of the world is against me. I will always defend you till my last breath in me. I care for you like a mother cares for her new born child. I have never let you down or never will.
This is what i am, and i am not going to change because i can't, not that i tried. I am a kid, i am immature, I am stupid, I am DIFFERENT and I am proud of all of these. I know i have fucked up quarter of my life but it isn't irreparable. I need you so desperately in my life that I can't express it in words. 

Fake Reality

 30th March 2011, Early Morning

"S, A, R and I were roaming as usual. Then I was back in my room, sleeping.  But this room was very different, kind of small, congested and complicated like cheap motel rooms with narrow dark corridors. S came to my room (blue shirt), he was wearing a head gear, quite a peculiar one, it had slots that were filled with poker chips, dice and cards. It even had a can on each side with straws directly ending near his lips. 'sssip' 'ssiiiip' he kept doing that now and then. "Awesome poker chips na..? Lets have some poker buddy." "I got this ...'siiip'...from ebay at 250 bucks...'sssip'..... cheap !!" He was grinning and giggling all over. Suddenly i was near 3rd gate, except there was no 3rd gate or VITU. A and R was also there. There was a med shop. The weather was strangely dark, cold and gloomy. It was like a heavy storm was coming. And everything was in black and white. A and R were standing close hand in hand and i didn't want to look at them. I started running across the deserted highway, it was suddenly crowded and all the people (expressionless) were hurrying back to their homes. I was frustrated and helpless, i threw my notebook in desperation. It flew across the footpath and hit a signboard and fell down. I bent down to pick it up when i saw R coming towards me, it  was getting cold by the minute;  she was freezing and there were tears in her eyes, she was looking like this cute little poor kitty in need of a warm hug, "Please don't go and i am sorry, really. Please don't run away from me, you are the only puzzle piece in my life that doesn't seem to fit anywhere yet without it my life is incomplete." I was like usual denying every fact and stating that everything was fine and OK..But this time there was something in her expression with tears and everything that i could no longer lie to her face and even to myself. I took her hand and hugged her till she cried her eyes out, holding her i took her to a coffee shop and we had coffee. I wrapped her with my jacket as she was freezing and shivering. A was nowhere in sight, i wouldn't care even if he was there. We were walking now and the scene changed , there was this house with a huge dog and two small extremely cute puppies, we bent down to pet the puppies, they were soo cute and adorable. Even R didn't deny this fact. But suddenly mama dog became very violent and started barking at me and it bit me. I couldn't believe it,  never in my life had a dog bitten me. Even mad dogs remains very calm and loving near me. It bit me not once, twice but several times. R didn't see this happening, she was with the puppies. When the owner came out mama dog calmed down. The owner was no other then our very own P. Strange no one noticed this whole event. R and I said goodbye to P. My hand was bleeding at several places inside the shirt and R didn't know about it; we walked on, she holding my hand with her head resting on my shoulder. I didn't mention  anything about my hand and that it needed immediate med attention cause i knew if i tell her that, she won't hold my hand as it was causing pain and would rush me to a doc. But all I wanted to was stay with her like that; the warm and satisfied feeling that i was having in my heart was far more pleasing than the pain of the slashes that mama dog inflicted upon me. And most importantly i didn't want that contended smile on her face to disappear."

Lucky Me

~ Dedicated to Pushkar

Friends are very hard to find. By friends i don't mean people who you enjoy to stay with most. Friends in this context i mean those few rare gems who cares for you in ways you don't enjoy much. They in their own mysterious little ways try to make sure you get what is needed for you (nothing less nothing more). Sometimes you get so angry, so frustrated  on them that you feel like shouting back at them. They would drive you to the verge of craziness and irritation to get your chores done, to get rid of your harmful addictions. They would literally drive you mad. But at the end of the day you realize what they have done for you, how much they care for your well being and brighter future. Without them there would be no one to guide you, no one to double check if the things you are doing is right or wrong, no one to scold you for your wrong deeds. If you find this definition of friend wrong, then you haven't yet found a TRUE friend. I am really lucky to have acquired one of these rare little gems; Pushkar. I never thought i would find someone who would truly care for me. He is the most trust worthy friend that i have ever come across in my life.
Pushkar, I am extremely sorry for my recent deeds and my irrational behavior. I know you think that i am not trying and i am ignoring your lectures but trust me i will live up to my expectations and i am trying my best. I know i get angry and i repeat my mistakes and i am really sorry for that. Without you i will be really helpless and the lack of guidance will eventually result in my downfall. So please never threaten me of our friendship... And really thanx for everything (abstract / concrete).

Will be always there for you...